Something has been stirring in my spirit this year.
This is what I wrote on May 18:
What am I doing for God?
For His Kingdom?
How many people do I share Jesus with?
What good am I doing?
Do I use Spanish as my excuse? (a big fat YES to this one!)
If I could speak Spanish would I do more?
Would I do the things I feel drawn to now, but say I can't because I don't speak Spanish?
Would I just find another excuse?
Because I live in a foreign country does not mean I am doing anything of value for God's Kingdom
Because I am labeled a "missionary" does not mean I am doing anything for God's Kingdom.
What am I doing?
Do I make an effort each day, where ever I go, to be like Jesus?
To share Jesus?
To show people the love of Jesus?
OR...am I just a person who lives in a foreign country and goes through her daily routine with no purpose, no mission, no goal, no thought, just going through the motions?
I feel like I need a new heart...a heart of flesh...a heart that is alive, that feels, that loves, that lives....
Ezekiel 11:19 is my prayer today...
"Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 11:19
Since writing this I have prayed for God to open my eyes. For Him to show me places where I can make a difference for Him. To show me the things He sees. To break my heart for the things that break His heart. To love the people who He loves.
Since that prayer there have been days that I have seen those in need and been able to do something. And it felt GREAT!
One Friday after having a day of fun with my students, we had a lot of food left over, hamburgers and hotdogs and cookies, so I asked a few teachers where could we go and give this food away? We loaded the coolers into my car and myself and two teachers went to the public hospital and gave away food. They were so appreciative of what we had to serve them. Even when we ran out of meat and I only had bread, cheese and mayonaise, people were happy to receive what we could give. I was blessed by the ER nurse who wanted to help in our endeavor. She brought out some small tables and helped to bring people to us who needed something to eat. This was such a God thing! And I loved it!
One day at school I had gone to get something from my car. When I did there was a boy from the streets begging for money. My heart ached for him. I have seen him around the city before. He was one of the little boys who kept opening the door asking us for money the night we had Lady's Night and we went to the "French" restaurant. This day I didn't give him money, but I went to our cafeteria and bought him something to eat and some juice. I tried to tell him God loves him and that is why I was giving him food to eat... I didn't let my fear of speaking Spanish stop me that day. I wanted him to eat, but more importantly, I wanted him to know why!
Last week I went to the mall to get cash to pay my rent, I went to the bank to pay my light bill and water bill, then I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I got my groceries and the young man who pushed my groceries to my car was not someone I recognized. While I was in the line I had taken some cash out of my wallet for the tip, I always do this so that I have it ready for the guy when he brings my groceries to the car. I had 9 lempiras that I had put into a pocket in my purse. Okay, so the guy brings my groceries to the car and I have the 9 lempiras in my hand....and here it all gets a little blurry....I fumbled around in my purse and I thanked him and handed him some money folded up and as I did I thought to myself, the colors on that bill looked like a 500 lempira bill. (approximately $25). I paused a second and thought no, that's crazy.... I got in my car and drove home, not really thinking about it until the next morning when I went to pay my rent. And I had 500 lemps less in my purse than what I had taken from the ATM. I thought back to that moment when I gave the guy the tip....I had the 7 lemps in my hand on the way to the car, but then I reached into my purse for some reason and handed him the folded up bills....could I have given him 500 lemps? At first I felt a little sick over it, like how could I do something so stupid! But then I remembered the prayer for God to open my eyes and show me where and how to touch people's lives. God assured me that the young guy at the grocery store needed that money more than I did. So I thanked God that in my confusion I had given an amazing tip...and thankful that God hadn't told me "give him 500 lemps" because I am not sure I would have obeyed. But now that I have, and I know it was a God moment, I hope that if God tells me to do that again, I will not hesitate to obey him.
I have so many ideas and needs that I see and hurting people, I am not sure what to do with all of this. But I am praying, and continue to pray for God to open my eyes, to show me what He wants me to do.
I don't think it is a coincidence that I am back to reading a book that I had started earlier this year. A book by Jennie Allen Anything: The Prayer that Unlocked My God and My Soul. This past week I have been trying to finish up the many books I have started but not finished, and now is the right time for me to be reading this book.
I can relate to the feelings she is describing. Not wanting normal any more. Wanting to totally live for God, and be surrendered to do anything He asks. And looking for that, waiting for that, wanting Him to instruct and guide and give me an assignment. I can't do normal any more. There is so much more! So much that God can use me for and I want that! Nothing else matters.
I read this quote today from Jim Elliot "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." His life and his death were an example of this. How can I have that attitude? I want to have that attitude in my life.
I am praying every day for God to open my eyes, to see as He sees. I am praying for more and more God stories!
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